Ideally, every relationship should have the right balance between
responsibilities, expectations, and adjustments. It is when the balance is thrown off and one
partner feels short-changed that problems start to happen. If you feel like you have lost control in
your relationship, the matchmakers at Birmingham Singles have a few tips
on how to be more assertive in your relationship.
Know Exactly What You Want
Assertiveness is often mistaken for verbal abuse or even aggression,
but it's not--Not at all. Assertiveness
is simply the ability to express without hesitation or fear, while still
respecting your partner's opinions, explains Birmingham Singles. This quality is essential for maintaining the
right balance in a relationship. A
partner who lacks that assertive skill is more likely to suffer from feeling
powerless and vulnerable. Their needs in
the relationship will never be fulfilled, not to mention, they will never be
able to speak up when addressing a problem, or even seek help. On the other hand, one partner will become
more aggressive in the relationship, using intimidation, blame, and
manipulation to get everything they want.
Aggression in a relationship will often lead to abuse. Yet another
situation in which assertiveness is useful in a relationship is so that it can
help a partner be able to convey their emotions. Partners who lack assertiveness are not able
to communicate their disagreements, concerns, or feelings, so they opt for the
silent treatment instead, or just walk away.
Understand Your Rights
Once you have identified your situation and understand that you are
lacking assertiveness, it is time to change things around now. And the first thing you need to do is
understand your personal rights. To
start, every individual has the right to physical and emotional safety. And in your relationship, you should expect
to be treated with respect and consideration, not to mention, love and
affection, explains Birmingham Singles.
Regardless of how close you are to your partner, your partner, under no
circumstance, should be able to make you feel unsafe or manipulated.
Learn When You Have To Say No
One of the most essential steps in becoming more assertive in your
relationship and in any other aspects in the real world, is understanding the
importance of learning to say no. As
soon as you feel that your partner requests something from you, regardless of
how politely they put it, that's giving you stress, learn to say no. There is no need to find an excuse or give a
reason why you can't do such a thing.
Just let your partner know that you're sorry, but you won't be doing
what they asked you to. The simpler you
keep your answer, the easier it will be to protect yourself from any attempts
by your partner to negotiate or manipulate you into doing what they asked you
to, explains Birmingham Singles.
Avoid Accusing
Being assertive does not mean you must accuse your partner. If you are assertive, you are not putting
anyone else down. So when you have a
conversation with your partner, do not accuse them of anything. Do not start a conversation with your partner
by letting them know that they do not listen to you, or they do not pay
attention to you anymore. Rather, you
should start the conversation with how you would love it if they did these
things for you.
Don't Let The Fight Become Ugly
Yet another mistaken notion about being assertive is that you always
have to prove your point, even if it means having an ugly fight. Raising your voice and yelling at each other
is no way to assert yourself in your relationship, explains BirminghamSingles. Even though you might feel
like shouting is the only way to get through to your partner, that is not the
only way to be heard by them. When a
fight ends up ugly, both sides end up losing, because in the heat of the
moment, you might end up saying things you'll regret later.
Be Clear About Your Expectations
An easier way to become more assertive in your relationship is to be
clear of what you expect from your partner--What you would like them to do or
not to do in your relationship? Instead
of believing that your partner is a mind-reader and sending them signals to
decode, why not simply put your thoughts and feelings out there for them? For instance, if you feel you're very
stressed by all the house chores you have to do, why not request they lend you
a hand and do it certain nights of the week, instead of acting like you're
fatigued when they're around you or blaming them for not doing anything in the
house. Being direct and upfront about
your needs is the right way to do it.
Being frank about everything will remove any doubt or misunderstandings
between you two, but it will also help you become more assertive in your
relationship, explains Birmingham Singles.
Learn To Listen To Your Partner
Becoming more assertive in your relationship doesn't mean just sharing
your views and learning to say no. It
means you must listen to your partner effectively. But it also means you should try to
understand what your partner is feeling and thinking. When your partner speaks, truly listen to
them and keep your observations for when they are done talking. When your partner seems to be steering away
from having a conversation with you, figure out different ways you can bring
them into the conversation--Ask them how their day was, what they had for
lunch, or how their evening workout went.
Showing your interest in you partner's activities will make it easier
for them to open up and talk to you, explains Birmingham Singles.
Establish Some Boundaries
Sometimes, being assertive will require you to become firmer,
especially if your partner has been taking you for granted. Let your partner know that while you love
them very much, you refuse to be treated like a doormat. Let them know that your wishes and needs are
equally important to theirs, and they need to respect them. In order to do this, you must set up
boundaries of what behaviors will not be acceptable in your relationship,
explains Birmingham Singles. This
might be easier said than done, especially if your partner is the one who has
been assertive throughout your whole relationship. However, you must realize one thing--That
regardless how many times you give into your partner's wishes or how
understanding you are, unless you do something to protect your own self-worth
and self-respect, no other person will.
